Spiritual: Jewish Perspective on Sexual relation in Marriage
The Rabbinic requirement of regular relations in a marriage does put
some responsibility on the wife. It is considered desirable for her to
solicit her husband to the act. (Nevertheless, the laws of modesty
suggest that she be a bit less brazen and subtler than her husband.)
"R Samuel b. Hahmani, citing R. Johanan, stated: A woman who solicits
her husband to the (marital) obligation will have children the like of
whom did not exist even in the generation of Moses. (Eruvin 100b)
Jewish Law is concerned not only with the frequency of the act but
with the manner in which it is performed. The Talmud recommends
nudity:
"R. Joseph taught: 'Her flesh' implies close bodily contact, i.e.,
that he must not treat her in the manner of the Persians who perform
their conjugal duties in their clothes. This provides support for a
ruling of R. Huna who laid down that a husband who said, "I will not
perform (conjugal duties) unless she wears her clothes and I mine'
must divorce her and give her also her ketubbah" (Kettubot 48a).
The myth that religious Jews are required to make love through a hole
in a sheet is nonsense. Pleasure was a concern of the rabbis; they
understood that it is enhanced by nudity. In fact, if one of the
partners does not wish to have relations in the nude, it is considered
grounds for divorce (Shulchan Arukh, Even ha-Ezer 76-13).
A tension exists in Rabbinic literature between what the Rabbis regard
as modest and proper on the one hand and what they know will maximize
a couple's pleasure on the other hand. Modesty requires that scholars
of the law not be with their wives too frequently like roosters
(Berakhot 22a), yet even a scholar is responsible for maximizing his
wife's pleasure. Rabbinic teachings reflect this tension in their
discussions about intercourse by day or night, proper positions, and
natural or un-natural relations.
According to tradition, relations should take place at night and in
the dark. The Talmud forbids relations during the day or by the light
of a lamp (Niddah 17). Maimonides teaches that, although intercourse
on the Sabbath is a special mitzwah, if the Sabbath light has not yet
gone out and there is no separate room to which they can move, the
couple should wait (Mishnah Torah Issurei Biah 21:10). In fact,
midnight was considered the ideal time for intercourse.
Behind this law stands the principle "Love your neighbor as yourself"
(Lev 19:18). The rabbis were concerned that a man might see his wife's
blemishes and that she would then become undesirable to him. Niddah
17a –. However, there are exceptions.
"Although intercourse was reserved for the night, if because of ones
nature one finds himself forced to sleep at night and ought not be
aroused or excited, or if the woman's nature is such that she is
overtaken by sleep at night and is not receptive at that time, one is
permitted to have intercourse during the day, with due modesty, in
order that intercourse be performed with acceptance and love and not
by force"—(Meiri Niddah 17a).
Although they set normative guidelines, the ultimate concern of the
Talmudic rabbis is maximizing the joy of relations. Traditionally most
Jewish couples have made love in the dark out of a sense of modesty,
but if a couple finds their relations enhanced when they "relate" the
light, they are free to do so.
Similarly, in Rabbinic Judaism a tension exists between mandating a
particular position for couples and allowing for variety and
experimentation. On the one hand, the Rabbis recommend the missionary
position: "She on top and him below—this is the way of brazenness; she
below and him on top—this is the way of proper intercourse" (Gittin
70a). According to Rabbi Johanan ben Dahabai, it is forbidden to
"overturn the table" (practice unnatural intercourse or unusual
positions), but the Rabbis explicitly disagree with him: "A man may do
whatever he pleases with his wife (at intercourse). A parable: Meat
which comes form the abattoir may be eaten salted, roasted, cooked, or
seethed, so with fish from the fishmonger… A woman once came before
Rabbi and said, "Rabbi, I set a table before my husband and he
overturned it." Rabbi replied, "My daughter, the Torah has permitted
you to him. What can I do for you?" (Nedarim 20b)
Maimonides, usually quite conservative on "relations", proves quite
liberal on this question:
"A man's wife is permitted to him. Therefore a man may do whatever he
wishes with his wife. He may have intercourse with her at any time he
wishes and kiss her on whatever limb of her body he wants. He may have
natural or un-natural relations , as long as he does not bring forth
seed in vain. However, it is a sign of piety not to show too much
levity but to sanctify himself at the time of intercourse… A man
should not depart from the way of the world and its custom because its
ultimate purpose is procreation. (Mishnah Torah Issurei Biah 21:9)
The issue of un-natural relations (biyah lo kedarkah) is particularly
difficult form a Jewish perspective. Un-natural relations refers to
any sexual activity in which semination does not occur in the
traditional place, (Rassi on Yevamoth 34), such as oral sex, anal sex,
or what the rabbis termed "threshing within and without" (premature
withdrawal). Talmudic sources talk freely about such activity,
permitting it under certain circumstances between husband and wife.
Nonetheless there is a concern with the wasteful spilling of seed,
which Judaism forbids based on the biblical story of Er and Onan.
Tosefot raises this contradiction and cites the position of Rabbi
Isaac to resolve it:
"It is not considered like the act of Er and Onan unless it is his
intention to destroy the seed and it is his habit to always do so.
However, if it is occasional and the desire of his heart is to come
upon his wife in an unnatural way, it is permitted. (Tosefot on
Yevamoth 34)."
In other words, un-natural relations is permissible only if it is
occasional and not exclusive, and if the intent is mutual pleasure.
Both husband and wife must agree on any unnatural forms of sex, for
Jewish law forbids a man from forcing his wife into any sexual act
against her will. This includes getting her drunk.
The Rabbis of the Talmud disagree on whether a man is permitted to
fantasize about another woman when he has relations with his wife.
Michael Gold / "Does G-D Belong In The Bedroom"
http://www.chayas.com/ksex.htm
some responsibility on the wife. It is considered desirable for her to
solicit her husband to the act. (Nevertheless, the laws of modesty
suggest that she be a bit less brazen and subtler than her husband.)
"R Samuel b. Hahmani, citing R. Johanan, stated: A woman who solicits
her husband to the (marital) obligation will have children the like of
whom did not exist even in the generation of Moses. (Eruvin 100b)
Jewish Law is concerned not only with the frequency of the act but
with the manner in which it is performed. The Talmud recommends
nudity:
"R. Joseph taught: 'Her flesh' implies close bodily contact, i.e.,
that he must not treat her in the manner of the Persians who perform
their conjugal duties in their clothes. This provides support for a
ruling of R. Huna who laid down that a husband who said, "I will not
perform (conjugal duties) unless she wears her clothes and I mine'
must divorce her and give her also her ketubbah" (Kettubot 48a).
The myth that religious Jews are required to make love through a hole
in a sheet is nonsense. Pleasure was a concern of the rabbis; they
understood that it is enhanced by nudity. In fact, if one of the
partners does not wish to have relations in the nude, it is considered
grounds for divorce (Shulchan Arukh, Even ha-Ezer 76-13).
A tension exists in Rabbinic literature between what the Rabbis regard
as modest and proper on the one hand and what they know will maximize
a couple's pleasure on the other hand. Modesty requires that scholars
of the law not be with their wives too frequently like roosters
(Berakhot 22a), yet even a scholar is responsible for maximizing his
wife's pleasure. Rabbinic teachings reflect this tension in their
discussions about intercourse by day or night, proper positions, and
natural or un-natural relations.
According to tradition, relations should take place at night and in
the dark. The Talmud forbids relations during the day or by the light
of a lamp (Niddah 17). Maimonides teaches that, although intercourse
on the Sabbath is a special mitzwah, if the Sabbath light has not yet
gone out and there is no separate room to which they can move, the
couple should wait (Mishnah Torah Issurei Biah 21:10). In fact,
midnight was considered the ideal time for intercourse.
Behind this law stands the principle "Love your neighbor as yourself"
(Lev 19:18). The rabbis were concerned that a man might see his wife's
blemishes and that she would then become undesirable to him. Niddah
17a –. However, there are exceptions.
"Although intercourse was reserved for the night, if because of ones
nature one finds himself forced to sleep at night and ought not be
aroused or excited, or if the woman's nature is such that she is
overtaken by sleep at night and is not receptive at that time, one is
permitted to have intercourse during the day, with due modesty, in
order that intercourse be performed with acceptance and love and not
by force"—(Meiri Niddah 17a).
Although they set normative guidelines, the ultimate concern of the
Talmudic rabbis is maximizing the joy of relations. Traditionally most
Jewish couples have made love in the dark out of a sense of modesty,
but if a couple finds their relations enhanced when they "relate" the
light, they are free to do so.
Similarly, in Rabbinic Judaism a tension exists between mandating a
particular position for couples and allowing for variety and
experimentation. On the one hand, the Rabbis recommend the missionary
position: "She on top and him below—this is the way of brazenness; she
below and him on top—this is the way of proper intercourse" (Gittin
70a). According to Rabbi Johanan ben Dahabai, it is forbidden to
"overturn the table" (practice unnatural intercourse or unusual
positions), but the Rabbis explicitly disagree with him: "A man may do
whatever he pleases with his wife (at intercourse). A parable: Meat
which comes form the abattoir may be eaten salted, roasted, cooked, or
seethed, so with fish from the fishmonger… A woman once came before
Rabbi and said, "Rabbi, I set a table before my husband and he
overturned it." Rabbi replied, "My daughter, the Torah has permitted
you to him. What can I do for you?" (Nedarim 20b)
Maimonides, usually quite conservative on "relations", proves quite
liberal on this question:
"A man's wife is permitted to him. Therefore a man may do whatever he
wishes with his wife. He may have intercourse with her at any time he
wishes and kiss her on whatever limb of her body he wants. He may have
natural or un-natural relations , as long as he does not bring forth
seed in vain. However, it is a sign of piety not to show too much
levity but to sanctify himself at the time of intercourse… A man
should not depart from the way of the world and its custom because its
ultimate purpose is procreation. (Mishnah Torah Issurei Biah 21:9)
The issue of un-natural relations (biyah lo kedarkah) is particularly
difficult form a Jewish perspective. Un-natural relations refers to
any sexual activity in which semination does not occur in the
traditional place, (Rassi on Yevamoth 34), such as oral sex, anal sex,
or what the rabbis termed "threshing within and without" (premature
withdrawal). Talmudic sources talk freely about such activity,
permitting it under certain circumstances between husband and wife.
Nonetheless there is a concern with the wasteful spilling of seed,
which Judaism forbids based on the biblical story of Er and Onan.
Tosefot raises this contradiction and cites the position of Rabbi
Isaac to resolve it:
"It is not considered like the act of Er and Onan unless it is his
intention to destroy the seed and it is his habit to always do so.
However, if it is occasional and the desire of his heart is to come
upon his wife in an unnatural way, it is permitted. (Tosefot on
Yevamoth 34)."
In other words, un-natural relations is permissible only if it is
occasional and not exclusive, and if the intent is mutual pleasure.
Both husband and wife must agree on any unnatural forms of sex, for
Jewish law forbids a man from forcing his wife into any sexual act
against her will. This includes getting her drunk.
The Rabbis of the Talmud disagree on whether a man is permitted to
fantasize about another woman when he has relations with his wife.
Michael Gold / "Does G-D Belong In The Bedroom"
http://www.chayas.com/ksex.htm
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